Learning from heartache
by AgentVaughnlover
Summary: Meredith and Derek try to deal with the shooting and miscarraige.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my second fanfiction story for Grey's Anatomy. I decided to do a filler for the next few months to keep us tied over between last night and the season 7 premiere in September. _

Meredith took a deep breath as she saw the test. The test that held her answer to her future hours ago. She paused

looking at the test, the word pregnant looking up at her, she held back a sob. She heard Christina come in. "Derek's awake. He's asking for you." She said. I nodded my head "Okay" I

said. Before turning back to the test and throwing it in the garbage can. I sighed as I walked out of the residents lounge. I had no clue how I was going to tell him now. Even when he

was awake and laying on the table barley awake with me, I thought that the baby would brighten his day just a little bit. But now it was gone. How was I going to tell him I _was_ pregnant.

This mourning I had been completely happy, even with Derek's mood this mourning, okay I saw his smile when I told him dirty sex at home. But I had meant to tell him then but I didn't, I

should of. I was hoping we would go home tonight, order take out. Then I would tell him and we would have lots of dirty sex, but thanks to one man that all changed. Our family had

changed, we went from three to two. Although I almost lost both of them. I was so completely happy that Derek had fought and survived, stayed alive for me.

I sighed as I walked into his room, giving him a small smile. Trying to hide my pain, but I knew Derek could read all my facial expressions so it probably wasn't that successful. "Hey" I said

walking up to him and holding his hand. "Hey", he said quietly in return , his voice still ruff from the surgery. I swallowed back a sob in the back of my throat. Derek patted his bed wanting

me to sit next to him, with him. "I don't want to hurt you." I said afraid to move him over just yet from pain of the surgery. He smiled at me. I helped him move over carefully and sat

down. And that's when it happened. I winced, the cramping was back again. "Mer you okay? Were you shot ? Did he hurt you?" He asked quickly, clearly concerned. I shook my head from

side to side quickly to try to calm him. "I'm sorry." I let out in a whisper. "I'm so sorry." I said again as I let out my first sob. But then I couldn't stop the sobbing. "I'm so sorry." I kept

repeating. Derek tugged on hand wanting me to lay with him. I laid down still sobbing and felt him wrap his arms around me, placing my head on his chest carefully on his right side. The

side that he wasn't shot on, as I kept sobbing. "Not your fault." He said. "Sssshh I'm okay." He said soothingly. He thought I was apologizing for him getting shot. I shook my head. "No

that's not.." I paused how was I going to tell him. "Remember when I came to your office this mourning?" I asked. He nodded. "Yes wanted to say good mourning to my wife." He said. "I…

I was going to tell you something.. but it didn't feel like the right time." I said swallowing, here it comes, the hardest part. "I .. I was throwing up for the past five days like clockwork, so I

took a test this mourning." I paused letting him digest the information before continuing. "I….I was pregnant. I saw you get shot, and then Mr. Clark came in when Christina was saving

you trying to kill everyone, and then Avery took the heart monitor apart so it appeared like you were flat lining and I didn't know so then I broke down. The hunt got grazed, and as I was

fixing him up it happened. I guess my body was just under to much stress. I think… I don't think I'm done yet, that's why I cringed as I sat down. I'm so sorry Derek. We lost are baby. I'm

so sorry." She kept repeating as he held her, tears still falling down her face, wishing there was an easier way to tell him.

**_Please feel free to review. Good reviews encourges me to write more._**


	2. Chapter 2

I sniffled, my tears drying up. I was so glad to be next to Derek, to feel his warm body next to me. He is alive and that's all that matters.

"I…I think I'm okay now." I whispered out. He didn't want to fall asleep while I was crying for our lose, a task that I was surprised he had achieved so easily, only closing his eyes briefly but opening them up again when he heard me crying. I had moved my head off his chest and on to his pillow not wanting to cause him pain. His eyes were clouded over with pain and I could see some concern mixed in there as well for me. I looked at him smiling a little at him.

"You sure?" He let out roughly, his voice still sore from being incubated.

I nodded. "It will take a while for me to get over our lose. Our little baby, but you're alive. And that…that means the world to me. You Derek Shepherd are my world. So let me just focus on you right now please?" I asked him.

I heard him sigh, giving into my request, he tried to nod his head but the movement proved to be to much for him.

"Want any pain meds?" I asked him. He bit his lip. I took that as a yes. I pressed the call button for the nurse not wanting to leave him. Nurse Debbie walked in. "I.. The Chief would like some pain meds. "

Debbie nodded and administrated some into his i.v. . I smiled at him, his eyes closing.

"I'm here. I'm right here. Just sleep Derek, I'm not going anywhere." I whispered to him as his eyes began to drupe more.

I turned to Debbie "Debbie." I whispered so I wouldn't wake Derek. "Can you get me a strong version of Motrin and a sanitary napkin please. I .. I don't want to leave him."

Debbie looked at me weird, wondering why. I honestly didn't need this spreading through the hospital and she was the gossip nurse. "Just do it Debbie please. I don't need the whole hospital knowing our business contrary to what you might believe." I whispered sternly.

I sighed as I held his hand in mine. I could have cried but Debbie would walk in any moment and I could wake Derek. And he really needed to sleep. Rest was extremely important after heart surgery. He needed his rest. Debbie walked in with the Motrin and napkin.

"Thanks" I said pouring a glass of water from a cup in the room and swallowing the pills. Now I just had to make it into the bathroom without waking him. I sighed as I quietly walked to the bathroom. I was fine until I sat on the toilet and looked down at the blood between my legs. A sob escaped me again as I looked at what was left of our baby. I got myself together long enough to change. Then I quietly walked back into the room and carefully got back into bed with him, sobbing quietly for our baby that we had lost as he slept.


	3. Chapter 3

Derek coughed as he woke up, his lungs protesting it. I woke up hearing him and sat up. I reached for the oxygen mask, putting it on over his mouth gently. I stroked my fingers through his hair.  
"It's okay honey. Deep slow breaths. You're okay." I soothed.

I could see the pain in his eyes. I finally understood why he hovered after I drowned. My heart broke seeing him in pain. Something I'm not use to seeing.

"M.M...Mer". He said struggling for breath.

"Sshhh. Just focus on breathing Derek. I'm here."

He spent a few more minutes breathing before he got energy to talk again.

"Mer.. How are.." He swallowed. "How are you feeling?" He asked, reaching for my hand.

"I'm.." I bit my lip. "I'm doing okay. I'm worried about you. You... I was so scared I might have lost you when I saw him in the O.R." I said.

"Oh Mer. I'm okay, and I'm alive." He said pulling his mask off to kiss the top of my head. "Have you been...Have you been checked out?" He asked me.

I shook my head, tears falling. I didn't understand how I could cry so much over something, no someone, I lost only hours after I found out he or she existed.

"I don't want to go without you."

Derek gave me a small smile. Probably proud of the fact that I was letting him in after our loss.

"Well since I'm still Chief. Do you want to see if we can do it in here?" He asked.

I smiled a little bit. "Yeah I like that idea.

-

Derek had called a nurse in to page O.B. and get another bed put in his V.I.P. room. The nurse had looked at him oddly but after he had explained, or rather helped me explain, the nurse left without a word. I had reluctantly gotten up from laying down next to Derek. A few minutes later she returned with a bed , which she thankfully put against Derek's , and handed me a gown before leaving. Once she left , I had decided to stand against the wall on the far corner of the side of the door. Derek and I are married so as long as no one else could see I couldn't see a point in going into the bathroom to get changed. I folded my clothes putting them on top of Derek's bag. Mark was nice enough to stop by the house and pick up some of his clothes. The door opened I turned around to see the doctor.

"Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Grey. So sorry we have to meet under these circumstances." Dr. Mancini Said.

"If you could just lay back we can get started." She said as she washed her hands and put gloves on. I laid down, putting my hand through both bed rails and holding on to Derek's hand. Just having Derek next to me is enough to help me get through this.

"Okay Dr. Grey.."

"Meredith." I said.

"Okay Meredith you're going to feel slight pressure at first. Just try to relax." She said.

I nodded, closing my eyes and focusing on Derek's breathing. Having the spectrum inserted inside me was definitely not as comfortable as Derek sliding into me.

"I'm just going to do a quick ultrasound." She said.

I turned my head towards Derek. I couldn't watch , I didn't even want to hear the silence of the machine. I felt Derek squeeze my hand lightly. It was barely there but it was enough for me, letting me know he was here. Dr. Mancini turned off the machine and went back to the end of bed.

"Unfortunately it was incomplete. I'm sorry." I heard her say softly. It sounded like she was far away. My mind not wanting to hear it.

I felt her remove the speculum, so I could get up and use the bathroom. When I returned the nurse was back with a form. Which sounded completely silly to me. My husband is the acting chief or whatever. If he was going to sue, it probably be the security guards for not realizing someone came in with a gun or Human Resources for not letting him apologize. I laid back down, closing my eyes as I felt her reinsert the speculum.

"Mer." I heard Derek whisper. "Look at me."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He kept his eyes on mine. His thumb occasionally grazing my hand. As much as I wanted to protest, he was the one that was shot. I knew as soon as the D&C was done and I rested I could go back to taking care of him.

"What kind of anesthesia do you want?" I heard Dr. Mancini ask.

"Local" I said without turning my head knowing that with anything else I couldn't help Derek at all. And I didn't want that. I felt her numb me before she gave me medication to help dilate me. A tear slipped down my face as I felt pressure, my eyes still on Derek. He squeezed my hand. After about five minutes passed , I heard her.

"Okay Meredith. Ask the nurses if you need any pain meds. I'll come back tomorrow to check on you. But bed rest until ten except for using the bathroom. If Derek needs help with something minor you can get up and help."  
Derek rolled his eyes, probably because after spending eleven years with the best neonatal surgeon and the three of us being friends now, the advice was kind of unnecessary.

"Can you just hand me my phone?" I asked.

She grabbed it and then after handing it to me left closing the door behind her. Derek gave me a questioning look, still not talking all that much.

"I'm texting Lexie . If we both have to be in here and I can barely move for the next two days, I'm going to see if she and Mark can get us some neuro journals or something. And Lexie's going to get my things and I'm glad Mark loves her, but he's Mark Sloan and there is no way he's looking at my underwear


End file.
